on balance

while there have been a few nights of late
where i've come close to
finally delivering home
my long sought-after
goal

there are other ways
i've found
to approach a really sublime experience
a disappearance
submersion in the moment

see a ball through the middle
see the man
and get on my horse to cover him
see him ready to cut it back
but stop before i overshoot
follow him through jink and twist
never leaning too far either way
light on my feet
he's using up the whole width of a loosely-defined grass field
and more
but neither of us notice
and every turn he makes means i'm closer to him
not further
finally he makes a mistake
i get a toe on it
i look up and i'm deep in the corner with room to run

but i'm too tired so i boot it away

don't mistake this for me being any good
but for that minute or so
with blinders on to the world outside that guy's feet
i was good enough to beat someone who
in any objective sense is better than i

it's a beautiful thing to be consumed in the moment
personally
it's when i feel like i'm at my best

on the other hand
when i raise the periscope
and rejoin the outside world

sometimes i find that i wonder what else i used to do
before

there was a day that came where
i threw myself into work
dove in
submerged myself in it
came home and vented my frustrations
running biking playing going out
getting on a plane and going somewhere

all good things

but there are times when i sit on the couch
slacking off after dosing myself with all those things

and wonder what else there is that i used to do
before i sat on the couch totally exhausted

there are worse problems to have mind you
but i still kinda wonder if i left something behind somewhere
or just
became a different person